Are you a comfortably secure Christian or a glorious misfit?

In this channel I look at spirituality and faith, meeting with people from my past, people who have an interesting insight or expertise or people I simply find interesting and would love to learn more from them.

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Why am I making videos about Soul Survivor? Little over two years ago, I had a really open mind. I knew the church existed in Watford, heard that the festival stopped and someone else had taken over, but there was little more to my thinking than that. Then someone got in touch with the press about their abusive experience with Mike Pilavachi, which part of it I could share in. I was really sad that he’d behaved so poorly for so long, and angry so many doubted it. I produced a video on YouTube, along with a handful of people who wrote articles online, and quoted in the press, many of whom stayed anonymous. The house of cards fell dramatically but just like paper cards, they fell almost silently. There was no shockwave or impact, no apology or admission, instead, there was near silence. A few individuals, the creative or charismatic, the writer or the individual who wanted to be heard spoke out, but the majority, the powerful, the celebrity remained silent… decide which camp i fit into!

After making a video expressing my experience in Pilavachi’s flat. so many people started getting in touch with me, some people I knew, many I didn't.

This story really started as I reached out to others who I had shared experiences and time with, who simply cold shouldered me, ignored me, or said they wouldn’t like to be involved in anything I was trying to do. There was a group, an inner circle that spoke behind closed doors, in locked forums. But the rest of us were left to guess alone, and speak to the impotent safeguarding group (I never did speak to them, it must be my inherent mistrust of the church).

As I spoke for hours and hours on phone and video calls, I was left with two sets of people, the hurt and the silent.

I slowly (you can see the process of my understanding in the videos in this channel), began to realise that the church itself was the problem, the people involved were both the victim and the abuser, the perpetrators of the cult like environment that hurt so many. However,the problem didn’t stop with Soul Survivor, the Church of England and the bishops kept a lid on those involved and responsible, the various evangelical alliances and organisations continued to praise Mike Pilavachi, Soul Survivor and its significance. Churches I had personal experiences with like HTB and Vineyard stayed silent, they lurked in the shadows waiting for others to break cover, to stand up.

Mike Pilavachi operated to serve his own desires and the movement outgrew his attempt to stay true to his faith. I believed the tradition I’d grown up in would help me and others understand what went wrong, and how we could move on. Instead, as I continued asking questions, talking with people, found the very Church I went to find community with was in the bed with the abuser all along. Rather than wrestle with the truth and honestly ask what part each of us played in perpetuating exactly what was wrong, it’s far reaching fingers massaged the lie that we shouldn't hurt the church’s reputation or the name of Christ.

I, at 18 was part of the machine, throughout my 20s, I studied theology and worked in Anglican churches,but I was chewed up and spat out each time, continuing to champion the abusive environment I’d invested my life into.

Why am I going after Soul Survivor, because it’s the soil that so many churches have grown out of, and like it, many other churches and traditions are slave to those far reaching fingers.

It doesn’t have to be like this, we can find the truth, we can humble ourselves and approach the living God through our saviour Christ Jesus and in the power of the Holy Spirit. But we don’t need to sing the songs, work in the churches, adopt the accent and wear the clothes. We don’t have to agree with the vicar, or pretend we have got it right, that we’re impervious to sin, lowered ourselves to forget our ego, be confident in our calling, be straight or know who we’ll marry.

God sent his son for the honest, the misfit, the poor, the lowly, the humble and the broken. We have the Holy Spirit not for our experience, for an emotional Sunday or for the tears in a big top, but to live and serve more like Jesus.

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